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It’s been forever…

February 18, 2013

Dear Self,

Please remember to write. OMG it’s been forever and SO much has happened and changed. Most of the changes have happened within.

Monkey is doing well. So handsome. So smart. So perfect. I hope that all of his medical issues are behind him now.

The Ex is still a jackass and always will be. I just have to remember that he is NOT ME and does not operate like me. Not now, not ever.

I began seeing a therapist last year and have been working steadily to understand myself. I see Philip (he is SO GREAT) one or two times per week. We talk about everything current as well as my past. No one has every really taken the time to ask about “little me”. It was the small version of me that went thru all of these horrific things and became the larger version of me. Philip listens and validates everything that I bring to the table. I LOVE it that he does not say “cheer up, chin up, turn the other cheek, things will get better, pray to God, etc…” Most of the time I want to throat punch all of those assholes who half listen and then cover all wounds with a “awww cheer up”. That does NOTHING for someone who is hurting. But more on THAT another time.

I have recently gone thru a “friend overhaul”. I’ve decided to stop trying so hard for others. Instead (ohh here is a novel idea) try hard for myself. At the end of our lives we have ourselves. It is the one constant thing and yet we are known for losing ourselves and helping others first.

I started to eat super healthy and clean about 2 weeks ago. I am 90% Vegan at this point. I have been a Vegetarian for about 5 years now but recently gave my body a Dairy-Free break. So far so good.

Drinking is still a BIG hobby of mine (wine) so I have to keep my intake in check. I really do love the taste of it. Just not the calories.

I will write more later.


And again…

August 20, 2012

Okay…this is my 3rd time trying to write tonight. My computer/mouse is whacky.

In a nutshell…
Monkey-started a new school last week. One that is better suited for him. He also started Soccer. Yay. He is still on his meds and adjusting.
Ex- is still a tard. No job and unemployment runs out in a week. Joy.  His girlfriend is being a pain in my ass. I had to rip her a new one 2 weeks ago when she stepped over the line, one again.
Me- my job stinks. Really bad stuff. My shifts were cut as a result of the Exec chef. This same person was also sexually harassing me. I came forward. HJe was suspended. I was one of 3 girls at my job who said somethinfg. My job situation  hasn’t changed since. No recovered shifts and NOW everyone treats me like friggin Kryptonite. Gee thanks. I’m just trying to work and raise my son. I don’t care about fitting in, doing coke or getting wasted with all of you 20 somethings. Sooo…I took matters a little further. (This is all the condensed version…the actual version would make you SOOOOO upset)
I also started seeing a therapist. He’s great. We are working through things slowwwwly. I like going to see him and I wish I could afford him 2-3 times a week.
My ex just spoke to his mom the other day. After 40 years on this earth, she picked NOW to tell him this:
When you were little the Dr. diagnosed you with Tourettes…ummm whaaa? Now you tell him? That would have been helpful ANYTIME during the past three years when Monkey went trough Brain Aneurism #1 & 2…you ass!
To be clear, my ex is a twin. His twin has Tourettes AND Aspbergers. It would have been NICE to know that the man I married ALSO had it.
She doesn’t care. THis is her ONLY grandchild and she pretends he does not exist. Can you believe it? This beautiful awesome kick ass soul? Never one card, toy, present, nothing. We lived ACROSS the street and nothing. She claimed that Monkey was not even my ex’s. She’s the fucking devil…arrgghh.
So now I’m going to go back to the Neurosurgeon and let him know the news. Sheesh.
On to good news….
I have been training and dancing… A LOT. This coming Sunday I will become a certified dance instructor. YEAHHH! GO ME! This makes me so very happy. Ohhh how I LOVE to dance. It really does get me through all the bad stuff. I’ve been told that I smile the whole time. That sounds like me. I can’t wait to actually do what I love.
No dating life yet. That’s still yet to come. Maybe I’ll be “more ready” after I get my dance thing under my belt?

Swim like a ducky

May 22, 2012

Today Monkey had his first swim class. Fo realz, yo. Elizabeth was awesome enough to pick him up from school and bring him to the Y.

I was coming from work (and I had to stop by at home to get Henry the much needing to pee/poo dog) so I decided to meet them there.

To see my boy in the water HAPPY and SEMI-FOCUSED was such a kick ass feeling. Maybe this is the way I can get thru to him? Thru swimming? I dunno. Lately he has been so bad with everything. Like a little brat or (dare I say) butthole. In the water he seemed focused and wanting to learn. HALLELUJAH !!!!! Do they offer school in the water? Can I sign him up? Hot damn! (<:

As far as his new meds go (he’s on Colonodine 0.1 mg) I have no seen a change yet. That medication is primarily used to lower blood pressure BUT one of the side effects is to treat kids with ADD.

On a side note, last week I was in the hospital with Monkey (and the ex) to check him out for these problems. The ex presents his opinion of Monkey having Tourettes just like his twin brother. Apparently Monkey has been doing the SAME stuff over the years that his brother had done. Of course I was shocked to learn of this new info coming out of lazy pants’ mouth. I said “HOW long have you noticed these things?” and he said “Ohh, I’ve always told you about this”…. Ummmmmm……

You shit head, you NEVER EVER told me that you thought our son had Tourettes like your smelly brother. (In my defense-HE SMELLS) THis is not something I would have ummmm…forgotten. Jack Ass.

Hey wait…this was a semi positive post dammit. Okay back to swimming fish Monkey.

I love him and I WILL FIND his niche. I will make it work. I will make it ALL work. Some days will be hard and some days with suck badly but some of those days will be glorious and HE WILL BE OKAY.


Mama bear  loves you Monkey and I’ve always got your back. Forever and Ever and Ever…. xoxo

Lazy Pants…

May 21, 2012

Last month he took me to court. He was “fighting” for MORE custody of Monkey (what a joke) and to pay even less $ for support. His plan back fired on him. The judge did not change a thing and then bitch slapped him a little for STILL not having a job. He now has to report his job seeking to me on the 1st of every month. Ha ha little bitch!

At the time of the court hearing the judge asked for his address..he offered a PO box. She wanted his actual address. He gave his Glendale apt address that he’s been at for almost a year. But then guess what?…

Less than a week later, he informed me (all nonchalant like) that as of two days ago, he was NOW living with his girlfriend aka: Jabba the Slut. So let me get this straight…on a Thursday you stood before a judge and gave an address. On Sunday you apparently picked up and moved your WHOLE place within one day and “forgot” to mention a word about it. On Tuesday you got around to mentioning it to me? Really?

So I ask him for the new address. He again gives me a PO Box. What? Come again? I need to know your PHYSICAL address for stupid assclown! After 5 requests he finally gave it to me. What did he think? I didn’t need to know where my son was ACTUALLY/PHYSICALLY going to be staying? Dumbass.

So let’s be clear on this. He has NO job, now has to pay NO rent and he still feels like the victim? Are you kidding me?

I drove past his new residence the other day to check it out for myself. Holy sheep shit. Part of the Hollywood Hills, beautiful home, big, landscaped, guest house in the back, etc…. I can’t say I’m “jealous” but I feel that this is truly unfair. Why is he being rewarded with his laziness this way? I just don’t get it.

I DO believe in Karma but I hope that Karma starts working ASAP on his sorry lazy ass.Image

Court day is done and other stuff…

April 28, 2012

Court came and went. The judge made him look like a fool. He is a fool. I’m tired from all that crap honestly. Good news though…you’re looking at a woman who was awarded with EIGHT dollars per month for Spousal Support. Aww yeahhh. Who wants to go to Dennys?

Okay so onto Monkey. Yesterday he got in trouble at school for spitting at the teacher. Today I was called in because he was simply not listening and walking out of class when he was “done” with it. Not cool. This evening my babysitter called and said that Monkey had slapped her son. (In his defense the boy DID put his hand over Monkeys mouth to silence him from screaming at the restaurant…Monkey reacted.)

I put a call in tonight to his Neurologist. I am at a loss. They said this all might be happening because of Brain pressure, seizures and what nots. I am sad and frustrated. I’m going to schedule a meeting with some special Dr’s next week to explore the idea of meds for Monkey. I can’t imagine living with him like this. Where did my gentle boy go? Is it the divorce? The lack of parenting from dad? His War-Pig girlfriend and her meddling ways? The fact that I sometime work nights because I HAVE TO? I dunno.

My heart hurts for him. I love my Monkey and I want him to be well. ❤ xoxoxo


MonkeySchool pic

…A billion years later…

April 24, 2012

I’ve been meaning to write for the longest time but everything seemed to get in my way.

Depression, a shitty ex husband who is hell bent on being a DEAD BEAT DAD and Monkey who has been having medical issues again.

I am trying to start Therapy (just as soon as my insurance shit gets straightened out) and heal myself on the inside. My ex (or as I like to call him Major Asshole, Sir!)is taking me BACK to court once again to get out of paying Child Support AND get 1/2 “Legal” custody. No, not physical….just legal…as in paying LESS money. He already got the courts to suspend my 3 year Spousal Support order. Oh gee thanks asshole, that was very nice of you. He is playing the victim role of “I have no hoo and therefore I cannot afford it”. My point? Ummm I work in a FUCKING BAR  (nope..not a bartender) and I make waaaay less money than I should…. BUT IT’S A JOB!!!!!! He thinks he is soo special that some studio exec is going to hand a job over because, what?… he is so special? I pointed out that there is a 24 hour Del Taco next to his apartment that is hiring. And across the street there is a 7-11. Nope…that would be beneath him. He figured that if he QUIT his job (a great one) and went on unemployment he would owe LESS money to child support. And then there’s the “under the table” jobs. Screw off dead beat!

At this point, I’d like to just be left alone. I’d like to rebuild my life, have him pay whatever and have him drift away so I can concentrate on NOT screwing Monkey up as he gets older.

Monkey has been doing okay despite another Brain Aneurism Surgery last fall. He goes back into the hospital in June for another MRI to see the healing process. One of the many possible side effects are small stroke/seizures. So small in fact that a seizure consists of him going numb and spacey for a minute and then coming back to earth. He is off the Plavix but will stay on aspirin indefinitely. He is withdrawn and has fallen waaay behind in school. Partly because of the surgeries (missing school days) and partly because his brain can’t keep up. I just had an IEP done. They concluded that he is delayed and have offered him a Special Ed school for First Grade. I am happy that they were able to do that.

I also signed him up for AYSO (Soccer) for this coming Fall season. His Neurologist said it would be a good idea. That AND Monkey would learn GOOD Sportsmanship. Right now him losing is a big ordeal. He is competitive and is a SORE loser. Full on drama queen, which he gets from his Dad. Screaming, kicking, backpack launched across the room, fists, crying, spitting….and that’s just the beginning.

Henry (Monkey’s Therapy Dog) has been a Godsend. He is still a puppy and has his moments of being a LITTLE SHIT but he is a GREAT GREAT dog. I try to work on him (training) whenever I get a chance. Currently we are working on “Don’t eat that waffle off the table and PLEASE stop eating Almond Roca…by the way that Almond Roca is Cat shit rolled in litter”. He likes to get really playful around kids too. (Can you blame him?) We have a camping trip coming up this summer (plane ride and all) and I need him to be a good boy so the hicks don’t mistake him for a deer and do a “Bambi’s Mother” on him.

And as for my personal life….Ummm…yeah…. my picker is broken. Does anyone get that? Almost always guaranteed, the guy I like is POLAR OPPOSITE from the guy I should be with. I caught this one guy wearing my panties after the deed was done. Any advice on this one? I had to give him a spare pair JUST to get mine off his balls and into my hamper. Ewww. I never remember conveying the message that I’m the kind of girl that’s cool with you  to do that. WTF?

I’m gonna run now (not literally..I’m actually going to lay on the couch for another 10 minutes before I make a lame attempt of folding laundry and cleaning the house before my BUSY double shift at work) but I promise to be better about posting in the future.

If you are a praying type, please pray that the judge on Thursday calls him on his shit. He needs to be set straight by someone other that me…. LOSER

Topsy Turvy and Upside Down

August 31, 2011

I am often amazed at my talent of holding my shit together or (at least) appearing like I’m holding my shit together.

Since my last post my life has gotten very shaky.

Monkey went in for his annual hospital test -fest and sadly they discovered another brain aneurism. I never thought I would have to go through THAT nightmare again.

But FUCK….here I am AGAIN!

I am currently waiting for the doctor to get off his ass and sign a form so that the surgery process can even be put on the books. I don’t get it.

Monkey starts kindergarten next Wednesday and I was hoping for this to be all taken care of BEFORE he starts. I guess not.

To ease his discomfort and future feelings of “Mommy you betrayed me and brought me back to this place that likes to poke me with needles” I got him a puppy. He named him Henry.

Henry is the bomb, Henry is the shit, Henry likes to shit… ALOT…sometimes multiple times on my floor. Ahhhhh puppies.


I have been trying deal with the future hospital thing AND work at the same time. Thank God for the occasion Xanax. I’ll be fine-fine-fine and then BAMMM! I’ll lose it and start crying. Sometimes I have no warning whatsoever. It’s kinda nuts. I’m kinda nuts. I think you kinda have to be to walk in my shoes. My insomnia has been at an ALL TIME HIGH. I can’t remember the last night I either #1-slept straight thru the night or #2-slept for more than 4 hours. I think my eye has a permanent twitch and my case of Shingles are right around the corner….greeeaaaaaatttt.

My ex has not really been involved in the hospital process. I’m okay with that. He actually is a pain in my ass and makes it MORE difficult. Like having 2 babies…but one I’d like to kick. (Not Monkey)

Ohh- he has this new “girl” he’s been seeing/dating. Ummmm…yeah, I met her. A Female Meatloaf with albino-y skin and long cornrows. Sounds confusing? Yeah, it is to look at too. One the one hand I am glad that he has someone else to annoy BUT I’ve noticed that EVERYTIME he has Monkey she is there as well. What happened to bonding family time between father and son? Oh that’s right, you’re a JACKASS! She contacted me via Facebook (I am NOT her friend nor my ex’s) and wrote me this sugary message about “What a great mom you are & how hard it must be for you & your son is great & he has 2 great parents & I noticed that we have friends in common & so on”…..Bitch PLEASE! Why are you writing to me? I DO NOT want to be your friend and it is HORRIBLE timing. I will let YOU know when and if I choose to befriend you.  I don’t give a SHIT about anything but my baby right now and the fact that the ex cannot spend a single weekend without bringing She-Pig along kinda pisses me off, ya know?

I’m GLAD that he has someone that keeps him company (I am) but I don’t need to know about it. After all, I don’t tell him who I’m seeing.

I would like to find someone eventually. I don’t know if that someone is in my life yet or not. I miss being kissed and loved. I miss the little things that I have not had in a LOOOOONG time. I want to be the GIRL in the next round. I never liked being the DUDE. Being the DUDE is what eventually led to my divorce.

In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself busy with friends and little adventures….and the occasional LARGE cocktail that I am obviously drinking right now.

Viva la sleep! zzzzzzzzzzzzzz